Dealing
with anger at work
By Mary
Laplaca
Since
about one-third of our lives is spent at work associating with people whom we
have not necessarily chosen to be with — and working under the pressure of
high demands and competition — it’s a small wonder that disagreements abound
and resentments fester day after day.
Escalating
on-the-job suicide and murder statistics have caused the National Center for
Disease Control in Atlanta, Ga., to classify workplace violence as a national
disease epidemic.
The
ability to diffuse other people’s anger is a valuable tool in the workplace
and getting along with people is an important part of all our jobs. Most people
are a little afraid of anger; we have grown up with the idea that anger is bad
and it makes people act crazy.
We
are offended by a loss of self-control and, as a culture, we think that
expressing emotion in the workplace is a sign of character weakness. Actually,
anger is a normal response to some situations. However, since anger is a human
emotion, it’s not always rational in its expression.
WHERE
DOES ANGER COME FROM?
Anger
happens with the perception of threat or attack. People become angry when they
feel their judgement, performance, or values are being challenged. Thus,
compromised self-esteem often lies at the heart of an angry outburst.
Anger
is also a stress response. For instance, frustration and lack of power on the
job can cause an outburst of anger over a small difference of opinion, possibly
in an area unrelated to the original stressor.
Personal
identity is shaped to a great extent by achievements and position at work, so
when people feel their efforts have been diminished by the actions of a
supervisor or a co-worker, anger and a desire for revenge can crop up in folks
who are normally calm and composed. Be aware that the disappointment of failed
relationships is keenly felt in today’s interdependent, team-oriented work
environment.
TAKE
CHARGE OF THE ENCOUNTER
When
you are confronted by an angry individual, you are in control of the response
you make to the attack. One approach is to apologize sincerely and wait for the
angry person to finish blowing off steam. This tactic is effective for two
reasons: It buys you time to think , to size up the situation, and to determine
what the real issues are behind the outburst. It also gives the angry person an
opportunity to diffuse their feelings and to feel your empathy.
On
the other hand, you may decide to refuse to deal with the angry person at the
time of the outburst. You may choose to walk away until the air is cleared. This
is a good tactic in repeat situations where you have learned
you need to set limits on how much aggressive behavior you are willing to
tolerate. By refusing to enter into the fracas now, you can keep the door open
for a productive conversation later.
DISENGAGE
YOUR OWN FEELINGS
If
you choose to stay and respond to the aggressor, put yourself in the position of
an impartial observer. Relax your muscles, take a deep breath, and consciously
disengage your own emotions. If you are right in this dispute, there is no need
to lose your temper. If you are at fault, you cannot afford to lose your temper.
Ignore personal or sarcastic remarks and focus on the substance of the
disagreement. Take this time to listen carefully in order to be able to
specifically define the issues.
TRY
THESE VERBAL TECHNIQUES:
Do
not interrupt, argue, or tell the angry person to calm down. Say:
“I
can understand why you are upset.”
“I
can tell you are really frustrated,” or “What a bad break!”
Get
beyond the present moment by asking future-oriented questions:
“What
would make this work for you?”
“If
you could have the ideal solution, what would it be?”
“If
we can’t arrange the ideal solution, what can you live with?”
Offer
limited options to get into a problem-solving mode:
“Here
is a possibility…”
“There
are a couple of ways we can go with this.”
“You
have said you want to stand up to Roger. What is holding you back?”
BODY
LANGUAGE IS A POWERFUL COMMUNICATOR
People
are more persuaded by attitude than by logic. As you struggle to say the right
words, consciously relax your body. If possible, assume a stance similar to the
position of the angry person, for instance, sit or stand side-by-side. If they
are squarely in front of you, shift to one side and put your hands in your
pockets. Lean against a wall or a desk, keeping your voice low and your speech
evenly paced. If you are sitting across a table, lean forward on your elbows to
invite communication. Tilt your head and acknowledge that you are listening by
nodding or making encouraging sounds like “Uh-huh.”
HAVE
YOUR ARMOR IN PLACE
Faced
with the aggression of an angry outburst, most people feel a degree of fear. If
the angry individual is touting a weapon or a clenched fist, a prudent person
will not linger long over the decision to move to safe ground. However, an
onslaught of abusive language, although repugnant, is not life-threatening.
Maintain
your own equilibrium, Recognize that for some reason this person is reacting to
their own perception of threat or attack. Realize that your daily work
relationship must continue beyond this time, and preserving that relationship is
your priority.
Offer
your understanding and empathy to soothe the moment, but be sure you follow up
in the near future to clearly communicate your position. Diffusing the
confrontation does not mean you are backing down from your position to appease
the aggressor.
DEVELOP
A PLAN
Do
not let an angry display become a control tool to stifle productive
communication and resolution. Plan ahead to arrange the inclusion of a third
party at the follow-up conference and be prepared to clearly vocalize your
issues for the record. Be prepared also to define how disagreements are to be
handled in the future.
If
conflict is managed effectively on a daily basis, the seeds of anger will not
have the opportunity to grow into aggression.
Mary
LaPlaca, MS, owns Vanguard Educational Services in Traverse City and facilitates
human resource development through education, testing, career management,
and conflict mediation. Questions and comments are welcome and confidential. Vanguard@gtii.com